I was haunted recently by the ghost of Ben Franklin.
Me: "Ben Franklin? What are you doing here?"
Ben: "Dang, ho! Can't a brotha see what you doin?"
Me: "Um... you know, I'm no history expert, but I don't remember Ben Franklin being portrayed as a gangsta."
Ben: "Yeah, I know dat! Dem peeps who be writin' dem books, dey gots me all f*cked up!"
Me: "Are you sure?"
Ben: Damn, bee-atch, you hear me don't you?"
Me: "I'm sorta confused... but I'll just play along."
It was at this point during the haunting I noticed that not only was Ben Franklin wearing a Tommy Hillfiger polo shirt, but also, he was sagging some liquid denims. He had on Nike Air Max and smelled like Nautica.
Ben: "Aaaaiiight, check it. Iz been peepin you in you crib and I ain't likin what I be seein."
Me: "What have you been seeing, sir?"
Ben: "You know! You be all lazy and sh*t, jus chllin... when you know youz gotta do stuff. I sees you! I'm on the hundred dolla bill, you can't hide from me mutha-f*cka."
Me: "I wasn't trying to hide from you, Mr Franklin, I just didn't know you were watching me."
Ben: "Sh*t, Iz gotsta do sumthin. And yo ass is borin the hell outta me! You ain't got no boyfriend, or a girlfriend- that's right! I read yo online diary, bee-atch!- all youz be doin is sittin around... playing the Nintendo... reading email... eatin noodles and shi*t... you borin, baby."
Why was Ben Franklin interested in me? I didn't know. Why he decided to appear to me as some sort of pimp daddy? I don't know that either.
Ben: "You never bees listenin to nobody either! It's jus like Junebug, I told him, I said, 'I ain't flyin no damn kite, wit no damn key on it!' Sh*t, tryin to electrocute my ass... gonna, gonna electrocute a brotha all up in here."
Me: "But, I thought that you really did that."
Ben: "Maaaan, I didn't do dat sh*t! That's jus a myth! Look, I'm gonna roll, but I'm gonna bees watchin you! And you best be doin sumthin interestin next time I peep you! Else I'm gonna start poppin up in yo dreams too! I'll be all like, 'Boo, bee-atch!' Like Freddy Kruger all up in this mutha."
He turned around to leave, and I thought the ghost of Ben Franklin was done lecturing me, however, he had one more thing to say.
Ben: "And next time dat Nelly song come on the radio, youz best not change the station or I'll go poltergeist on yo ass! 'Undalay, undalay, mama ei ei uh-oh....'"
Then he left. Remind me to call an exorcist.