Bunnyrabbit's diary: +broken jpegs edition+

The problem with 2-4-6-8 is that eventually it becomes 2-2-2-2 and then 1-0-1-0. Which is what happened last time. When my hair fell out and my fingernails were brittle and my period stopped and I couldn't eat anything but clear broths.

I'd promised NOT to let that happen again. I was so hungry when I got out of the shower that I almost broke down in tears. This week (from Monday to today, Sunday) I've eaten less than 2000 calories. For the whole week. Most people eat that in one day. I was like, "I'm NOT slipping back into old habits. Not, not, not."

This afternoon I worked out for an hour and half and now my muscles are extremely sore. I worked out even on my sore tendon.

I used to work out for 2-3 hours on a totally empty stomach and at the time I was svelte but I still thought I was a fat whale.

Tonight I was horrified to be at 418 calories and when I thought about eating after my shower that voice popped back up.

"You fat fuck. You can't do anything right, you can't even NOT eat. That's why you're never ever ever going to be happy. Fatty. Ugly, ugly, ugly."

I freaked and left the kitchen. Last time it took me two weeks before I could eat anything more than noodles, pudding and soup soaked crackers. 2 months for my period to come back. 1 month until I could walk without holding on to the wall.

I sat here. Thinking of my incresing exersize patterns and how I'm picking them up again as if I'd never left them - pacing my room for 25 minutes with weights strapped to my ankles and wrists, 35 minutes of weight training, an hour of vigorous dance. Doing 10 minutes of leg lifts or crunches during tv commercials, working through pain.

And then I thought of eating and how it was all like poison to me. And I actually said, "Food is the enemy."

You guys, unless you've ever been anorexic, you don't know how sick you get and how food is a constant battle. EVERYTHING is bad eventually. You start out with an apple being OK but then it's too much, so you eat a handful of grapes but that's too much. So then it's just a tablespoon of non-diet soda. Food is ALL you think about. My LJ has been very food centered this past week. It's happening again and I won't let it.

So I went and ate a peanut butter sandwich. I used the fat free peanut butter and the 35 calorie/slice bread and I feel like a failure. I've burned 538 calories today and eaten about 600. And I feel like a fat fucking loser. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I found my old blood-stained thinspirational book. I started a new one yesterday, only it will not contain my blood this time. I'm over cutting... then again I thought I was over this eating disorder.

I need therapy again. I don't want therapy for this again. Do you know how HUMILIATING therapy for eating disorders are?

The first sentence in the old thinspirational book?

"I'd rather be dead than fat."

I've mentioned my old ed in passing before but I've never gone into detail. There are lots of things that I want to keep only for me and this was one of them. But, in truth, it does scare me sometimes. It's really easy to slip back into a destructive pattern.

And please don't lecture me. I won't listen and chances are, I'll lie to you - like I did to Christina on the phone.

I suck.