Bunnyrabbit's diary: +broken jpegs edition+

I want to surround myself with like minded people. I want to have an intelligent conversation for once. I want to discuss and debate and learn and grow.

I want to take out the eraser and start over.

I'm tired of living. I think the internet is bad for me. I was fine until I signed online.

I'm tired of people not having a backed-up opinion. A 'just because' attitude. HAVE YOU NO IDEAS AT ALL?? Why do I have to explain things? Why can't I be different? Why do I have to be this way? Why do I feel like I'm constantly under some sort of pressure - be it internal or external.

I'm lonely. And regardless, I am so fucking jealous of Lauren. I want so desperately to have love in my life. I want to have someone to turn to and rely on. I want to be able to watch the news in bed at night with someone. I want to hold someone's hand in the cinema and kiss good morning. I am so jealous.

Sylvia's tree. I see so many things in front of me that I want. School, love, freedom, money, life. I don't know if I can juggle them all but I want to try.

I keep telling myself that school will be fabulous but I know that it will be hard. And I'll probably stir animosity because people won't like me for whatever reasons. Or maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

I push people away sometimes. Sometime on purpose. It's like... I want you to dislike me because I dislike myself. So I lash out and throw an intellectual tantrum.

Like with Anna and second hand smoke. I'm right and I know that I'm right but I almost had to rub it in. Rub her face in the fact that she and many others are wrong. And I know that it probably didn't change her mind at all, but I had to do it. I'm so used to having to defend myself that I do it automatically now. I will get attitude and get uppity especially if I know that I'm right. I get an attitude of holier-than-thou and I don't know why I do it.

Maybe it's still to push people away. I've always been a skeptic, I've never trusted anyone. Why should I start now?

But I want to. I want to be able to just believe that people mean well. I want to not take a differing opinion as an attack on my character and principals. I want to be anyone but me.