Bunnyrabbit's diary: +broken jpegs edition+

It's like, "OK, now I get it."

So in therapy we talked about over-generalisation and personalising. I take everything personally. That's true, innit? But we had examples:

"I walk into a room full of people - what are my first thoughts?"

That they will hate me, mock me or otherwise turn their noses up. If one person looks at me, my automatic -AUTOMATIC!!- thought is that they disapprove and are probably thinking something mean. "Ew, she's ugly." "Ew, she shouldn't be wearing those blue jeans." "Who let the troll in here?" etc, etc, it goes on. And I told Geeta that I think other people hate me because I hate me. I'm projecting my own thoughts onto others. And Geeta said that chances are people aren't thinking those things and I know that, but I can't help it.

I don't want people to see me. I feel that if they do, if you know me 100% then you will hate me. She said, "Do you judge people like that?" And I told her, "No, no I don't. Absolutely not."

"So why would they do that to you?"

Sigh. Because people are assholes. I told Geeta that I want to be 'Up Girl' all the time. Not 'Sad Girl' not 'Middle of the Road Girl', I want to be happy, funny, outgoing, popular, agreeable, fabulous Up Girl. All the time.

Only... I can't. That way is FAR from perfect but it's so addictive. I can't tell you how addictive that mood high is. It's like mental heroin. And I have to kick it. I've got to be Middle of the Road Girl and it KILLS me.

I have to open myself up even if it means utter humiliating failure because if I don't... I'm stuck. Yes?

And, hey, I might be wrong, people might see me, know me, and STILL like me. Imagine the scandal.