Bunnyrabbit's diary: +broken jpegs edition+

Well, I just spent 10 minutes it the bathroom sobbing.

And it's NOT Amy's fault. She just said what she thought and it's better than lying. It just hurts so much, it hurts in the bottom of my heart like a big black space. It hurts to know that people don't want me to be happy and I really don't understand it. I don't understand it at all. It's not Amy, I swear. I understand how she feels sort of, I guess. But I don't understand how gay people getting married is such a bad thing.

I like Amy and I guess that's why it hurt more than I'd expected. I've said that things that have hurt others and it's ALWAYS been unintentional and I know that Amy didn't mean to hurt me and she didn't. It's the idea that there are people in the world who don't want me to have very many rights at all.

And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish to whatever god/s that exist/s that this were a choice. I HATE being this way. I repressed it for a reason. I think for some people it IS a choice and it is "just a phase" I hope that I'm one of them. I wish I could just sympathise and say, "sucks to be them," instead of, "sucks to be me."

I don't ever want Amy or anyone to feel that they shouldn't say something because that's wrong, wrong, wrong. I'd rather eat glass than have someone censor themselves on my account. It's just... it just hurts. Like being beaten with a belt.

Just last night I wrote in my paper diary about my stupid crush on Monica and how I want to hold her hand and go for walks and buy dishes together and all of that boring couple crap. And now I want to run from that. Run far far away. Right into the arms of some burly football player who will expect me to cook food for him all the time and clean his house. Every night I can just willingly allow him to rape me while I close my eyes and pray for it to be over quickly. He'll want little kids too probably. And when we've been together for 10 years he'll begin his love affair with a co-worker that will last for years behind my back until he leaves me for her. I'll grow old and die never knowing happiness because I'm socially unacceptable.

If Jesus is real and Jesus hates gays you'd think there wouldn't be any. Or if Jesus is real and Jesus hates gays you'd think my prayers would've been answered and I'd have woken up straight as an arrow by now. I only used to pray for it all the time. Maybe I'm not worthy to have my prayers answered or just maybe Jesus isn't real.

Either way I feel like a blind leper that is in need of a miracle. Too bad miracles only exist in your mind, huh?